Bed Scenes
(A sequel to "Mondays Should Be Abolished")

I want to sleep for all eternity. I know it's a pretty long time. And I know that I'd be helpless against nightmares, bedsores, mosquitoes and soiling my sheets. But at least I'd still be alive, stress free and well rested.
I now understand why Godzilla wanted to wreck Japan after waking from centuries of sleep; I'd do the same, wreck Japan.
Rip Van Winkle is my idol.
Morpheus is my god.
Sleeping Beauty my muse.
...zzzzzzzz

Nasi Lemak

"Scrumptious Malaysian coconut rice served with everything you see in the picture and more. It's spicy, crunchy, tangy, clean and distinct taste would make you want to substitute it for the usual tuyo and sinangag on any rainy day."

Caveat emptor: If my tongue had a job it would probably be a low-end gigolo.

Prep Time: 30 Minutes
Cook Time: 30 Minutes
Ready In: 1 Hour
Original recipe yield: 8 servings.

INGREDIENTS:

For the rice:
* 2 cups coconut milk
* 2 cups water
* 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
* 1 (1/2 inch) piece fresh ginger, peeled and thinly sliced
* salt to taste
* 1 whole bay leaf
* 2 cups long grain rice, rinsed and drained

For the garnish:
* 4 eggs
* 1 cucumber
* 1 cup oil for frying
* 1 cup raw peanuts
* 1 (4 ounce) package white anchovies, washed

For the sauce:
* 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
* 1 medium onion, sliced
* 3 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
* 3 shallots, thinly sliced
* 2 teaspoons chili paste
* 1 (4 ounce) package white anchovies, washed
* salt to taste
* 3 tablespoons white sugar
* 1/4 cup tamarind juice

DIRECTIONS:

1. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, stir together coconut milk, water, ground ginger, ginger root, salt, bay leaf, and rice. Cover, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, and simmer for 20 to 30 minutes, or until done.

2. Place eggs in a saucepan, and cover with cold water. Bring water to a boil, and immediately remove from heat. Cover, and let eggs stand in hot water for 10 to 12 minutes. Remove eggs from hot water, cool, peel and slice in half. Slice cucumber.

3. Meanwhile, in a large skillet or wok, heat 1 cup vegetable oil over medium-high heat. Stir in peanuts and cook briefly, until lightly browned. Remove peanuts with a slotted spoon and place on paper towels to soak up excess grease. Return skillet to stove. Stir in the contents of one package anchovies; cook briefly, turning, until crisp. Remove with a slotted spoon and place on paper towels. Discard oil. Wipe out skillet.

4. Heat 2 tablespoons oil in the skillet. Stir in the onion, garlic, and shallots; cook until fragrant, about 1 or 2 minutes. Mix in the chile paste, and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. If the chile paste is too dry, add a small amount of water. Stir in remaining anchovies; cook for 5 minutes. Stir in salt, sugar, and tamarind juice (or lemon juice) ; simmer until sauce is thick, about 5 minutes.

5. Serve the onion and garlic sauce over the warm rice, and top with peanuts, fried anchovies, cucumbers, and eggs.

The Friday Syndrome

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a girl with no name. She lives in a forest full of terrible beasts that feeds on anything that moves. Her life consists of hiding from the predators by day and doing the same at night. Everyday. When her throat is parched all she does is cry and lick her tears. When hunger calls out she just grabs anything edible that's nearby, leaves, insects, bark of trees, worms. The important thing is not to be seen.
She lived this way until the day she died of old age.
She had a happy and fulfilling life.

Cover Letter

Dear Hiring Manager,

My name is Fedor Emelianenko, I'm responding to your job posting for a Customer Service Agent. I graduated with honors from a professional trade school in 1994 and continued to serving the Russian Army for three years. It was with the Army where I learned diligence, patience, judo, sambo and yes, customer service. Being a soldier means being able to cater to the needs of your countrymen whenever needed, no matter what the cost. This is what I could contribute to your company, customer service at its very core. "Your wish is my command," would be my motto along with "Tap, nap or snap". I am also fluent in both Russian and English to serve as a part of your multi-lingual department.

I am currently the reigning Pride FC Heavyweight Champion since 2003 and touted to be the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. Being a MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) superstar is yet another testament to my customer service and multi-lingual skills, as everybody from all walks of life from all over the world would want to take a shot at the champion.
Consider this true account:

I was walking on the streets of Manhattan when a Latino looking guy suddenly shows up and tells me in clipped English that "I is de king of de Bronx, I is want to fight right now!", then I tell him that that's not possible because I'm going to a friends house for her bridal shower. I also ask him what the King of the Bronx is doing in Manhattan. The guy then speaks straight Portuguese at me and takes off his shirt. Now, I can't understand Portuguese but I know from his voice that he is already angry because this was not what he expected from me. He did not expect to be treated this way by the World Heavyweight Champion. Snap. That's when my costumer service steps in. I give the guy what he expected and more. "To go beyond what the customer is asking for" is the highest virtue a customer service agent can ever achieve. I gave the Latino my famous ground and pound and when his face looked black and blue enough, I treated him to a perfectly executed suplex. Going the extra mile for the delight of others.

My other achievements would be the 1997 Russian Judo champion; the 2002 World Sambo heavyweight division champion, the 2005 World Combat Sambo champion and Rings: King of Kings 2001-02 heavyweight tournament champion. Just imagine the amount of people and fans that I have to please over those years. Until now, I've never lost a single supporter which is solid proof to the quality of service I provide.

Currently, I am nursing a broken fist from a sparring session that I had with my brother, Aleksander. He in return is recuperating from a broken collar bone. I consider this a perfect time for me to withdraw from the rigors of training and take my first step inside the corporate arena.

Attached is my resume in word format which includes a blow-by-blow account of all my matches. Reference will be provided if needed.

Please let me know if you have any further questions.

Professionally,

Fedor

“Dr. Sigendheim’s Test for the Sexually Repressed”

*you only get to pass if you finish this poem with a straight face*

The Owl and the Pussycat
By: Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are, you are, you are,
What a beautiful Pussy you are."
Pussy said to the Owl "You elegant fowl,
How charmingly sweet you sing.
O let us be married, too long we have tarried;
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows,
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose, his nose, his nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.
"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling your ring?"
Said the Piggy, "I will"
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon.
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand.
They danced by the light of the moon, the moon, the moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

Mondays Should Be Abolished

August 15, 1995
5:46 p.m.

The sky's hue was that of old rose. Spider was busy spinning its web at the edge of a sugarcane leaf. She hasn't eaten anything after a week of heavy rain and was hoping to snare at least a couple of insects. Moisture was hanging thick in the air, it didn't improve her mood. The stars were slowly coming out by ones and twos. Fireflies are her favorite; she delights in seeing their light fading along with the ebbing of its life. She was in the act of setting herself in the middle of her trap when Spider saw the shadow of something coming above her. Next thing she knew, she was inside what looked like a wooden room which reeked awfully of phosphor.

Darkness and the chemical stench was all that embraced Spider for a fortnight. She was getting used to it, the hunger that is, she could never stomach the cramped space and nauseating scent. Suddenly she felt a sliding motion and felt the warmth of sunlight coming from above. Spider was about to crawl out when darkness slid in again. Along with the darkness came a familiar buzzing sound, "horsefly," Spider thought, "fresh," after she dug her mandibles on her victim's flesh. "I wish it was a pretty firefly," was all she could comment after eating.

She supposed it was the day after when another shot in escaping her cell offered itself. The room slid open and light streamed in, she quickly got out and instinctively scurried on the first thing she saw, a thin stick. Freedom may just be at the end of this stick.

Spider never got to the end of the stick, blocking her way in the middle was a big drop of water that reminded her of three days worth of thirst. She enjoyed the feel of water on her face and in her mouth. She sucked all of it. And then she was once again back in the darkness of her wooden room.

After what seemed like two days, Spider was nudged awake by the butt of a stick. She climbed the edge wondering if it would be freedom this time or yet another drop of water. What she saw at the end of the stick was another one of her kind, as thirsty and hungry as she is. She wrestled with her kindred for survival. The other one was too quick for Spider and she felt the venom numbing her senses. "I wish you were a pretty firefly," was the first and last thing Spider heard from the other.

August 15, 1995
5:40 p.m.

The sky's hue was that of old rose. Ayna was in the middle of the sugarcane plantation equipped only with a flashlight and an empty matchbox. She could hear rustling as her friends swim through a sea of leaves looking for spiders. Honestly, she’d rather be sitting under the huge mango tree at the edge of the field and wait for the sun to set if it weren’t for her older brother who bullied her into coming with them. Ayna liked pretty things and only played with spiders so that she won’t be considered an oddity by her friends. She was admiring the stars as they were slowly appearing on the sky when she caught a glint of webbing just an arms length away. She pointed her flashlight at the web, saw something crawling on it, grabbed it as quickly yet gently as possible and stashed it inside her matchbox. Ayna shuddered after slipping the matchbox on her left pocket, an effect that doesn’t fail after she has touched a spider. “These critters are just so ugly!” she muttered while walking home. “Why can’t they be something nicer to look at?” she griped on. “I wish you were just a pretty firefly,” she sighed while patting her left pocket.